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Posts Tagged ‘suspense’

The Troubleshooters* Series; ft. Everything. *with 10% more stuff you don’t need!

June 11, 2012 Leave a comment

Book 16 in Suzanne Brockmann’s Troubleshooters series is on it’s way to an NLS library near you!  What does this mean?  I have no idea.  I’ve never even read any of these books.  But, I feel comfortable telling you what I already know I don’t like about them.  Too much!  As in, there are just too many things going on in the annotation for Breaking the Rules.  As in, Suzanne Brockmann has too many letters in her name!  As in, naming a series the Troubleshooters series is also, just, TOO MUCH.  Too many letters!  Too long of a word.  Too ridiculous.  From the NLS annotation:

cover art for Breaking the Rules

Izzy Zanella helps fellow navy SEAL Danny Gillman and Danny’s sister Eden–Izzy’s estranged wife–rescue their gay brother Ben from their abusive stepfather.  Ben’s new friend, sixteen-year-old Neesha, also needs their aid after escaping kidnappers and eight years of forced prostitution.  Violence, strong language, and explicit descriptions of sex. 

 

Is this for real?  So, according to above 50 words, Breaking the Rules, in 528 pages (too many pages!), covers the following concepts:

  • Navy SEALS
  • siblings
  • marital problems
  • homosexuals
  • abuse
  • stepfathers
  • teenagers (am I right?)
  • kidnappers
  • prostitution

Obviously that is TOO many bullet points for one novel!

So, Izzy Zanella is a boy?  I just pictured him as a her until I read about “Danny’s sister Eden–Izzy’s estranged wife–” and I was like, wha-huh?  And this is book 16 in the series.  So these two Navy SEALS have been running around in these convoluted suspense novels 15 other times? 

Now, I’m not sexist (yes, I am) but I’m a bit dubious of a woman writing a book about Navy SEALS and not having it be a romance.  This is mostly why I assumed that “Izzy” was a girl.  For those of you not in the know romance novels in which good looking, dashing, daring, Navy SEALS get the girl have a HUGE following.  So, when I see a Navy SEALS novel about two SEALS in a sweaty adventury suspense novel with no romance, I’m going to assume gay subtext.  But then when I see that a woman has written the many adventures of this dynamic duo, I’ve got to pause.  Either there IS gay subtext (I believe they call it “slash” in the fanfic world), or Suzzaanne Brockkmaann is just writing crappy “suspense” novels that are really just romance vehicles. 

Somebody who has read this series about Batman Izzy and Robin Danny comment here and let me know?  Romance?  Honest suspense?  Overly convoluted story lines?  Gratuitous sex, violence, and strong language?  Inquiring minds want to know…

A Discovery of Nothing: where’s all the magic?

July 22, 2011 3 comments

Has this ever happened to you, Gentle Reader?  Somebody close to you tells you all about this FANTASTIC book that they’ve read this year and you just HAVE to read it now!  And upon reading it, you are expected to tell them all about how it changed your life too and how you’re going to proselytize this “good book” all over hill and dale.  Well, GR, this has just recently happened to me and the offending turd is none other than Deborah Harkness’s A Discovery of Witches.

Where do I begin?  I’ll tell you where I’m not going to waste any time: the beginning.  Nothing, and I mean nuh-thing, happens in this book of any consequence for the first 300 pages or so.  From the NLS annotation (because Harkness and Amazon’s synopsis are ridiculously long):

After scholar and witch Diana Bishop requests an alchemical manuscript from the depths of Oxford’s Bodleian Library, she finds the magical power within the leather cover disturbing and hastily sends it back. But the book’s reemergence causes a chain reaction through the paranormal community. Descriptions of sex.

Diana Bishop is also descended from witches dating back to the Salem witch trials…because all witches in fiction are descended from Salem, MA.  She is also considered a “reluctant” witch because she refuses to use her powers, which are, of course, super powerful and she has like the most powerful potential witch-powers in the history of the world.  Aaaaaaaaaand, her boyfriend is a vampire.  A broody, tortured, rich, handsome, 1,500 year old vampire.  I’ll get back to Edward Cullen Matthew du Clairmont in a minute.

I left the part about “descriptions of sex” in the NLS annotation because there significantly ARE NOT ANY.  So, no real magic and no real sex.  This book is a 592 page rip off of every magic/vampire/witch/romance/suspense/secret society novel ever written.

The vampire, Matthew Clairmont, is some kind of undead Forest Gump.  He has met and/or worked along side EVERYONE of political, historical, or artistical(?) note of the past thousand years.  Vampire Matthew fought in the crusades, the Revolutionary War, the Napoleonic Wars, and probably even the Korean War (it’s the forgotten one, you know).

And you laughed when I likened Matthew to Edward Cullen, but in the part of the book I’m suffering through right now, it has just been revealed that the witch and the vampire are destined to reproduce.  Re-pro-duce.  I could punch Stephenie Meyer for introducing that little nugget of literary license to the vampire/magic genre.

And I’m not even done reading the thing yet.  I have been suffering through this book for 5 weeks now.  It is 2 weeks overdue.  I owe the Salem Public Library $3.45 to date.  I have to finish this book because I have to go back and tell the recommender something about this lame book.

But wait, there’s more.  There are about 100 pages left in this turd and it’s real obvious that nothing is about to be resolved.  So, we’re looking at a series.  There will be more.  Dear Deborah Harkness: you either write a long-assed book that sucks or you write several medium- to short-assed books that suck collectively.  You DO NOT write a series of books that are all as long as hell.  Thank you, Me.

As usual, check this book out at your public library.  Go today and get on the waiting list because it’s a best seller and you will need to wait for your copy.  How and why?  I don’t know.