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How Dare You Sir?


I realize that it’s been nearly three years since my last post. It’s not because the sublime and ridiculous annotations have disappeared, its just that I’ve been swamped under so many retrospective collection records. When you start cataloging 1,000 per month after only 300 a month, you tend to get behind on reporting the outrageous. But, that’s changes today.

Today I have to tell you about some fresh bullshit that I just encountered. The book is called The Lies of Fair Ladies by Jonathan Gash written in 1992. From the NLS Annotation:

Although he claims to be the only real antiques dealer on earth, Lovejoy is considered by East Anglia police to be a chiseling shagnasty. It’s clear to Lovejoy that a recent spectacular heist is the work of his newly released pal Prammie Joe, but it’s Lovejoy the police seem to suspect. When Love-joy hears of another huge scam and then finds Prammie dead, he pushes aside his numerous women to figure things out. Strong language and some descriptions of sex.

First off, I’m going to be honest, I could not actually close-read the entire annotation in order to do a real cataloging job. Normally I close-read and think about what this book is about, where it takes place, does it have any significant historical value, etc. I got just passed “chiseling shagnasty” and my fucking brain literally started to hurt. It was like WARNING WARNING WILL ROBINSON!

What in the actual fuck is going on in this book? So, at the risk of my mind, let’s try to break this down.

1. Antiques dealer
2. East Anglia (Oh, okay, England!)
3. Police (this means “mystery,” fine.)
4. Chiseling Shagnasty (google that…nope, no match.)
5. Spectacular heist (crime!)
6. Prammie’s dead (whaaaat?)
7. “…pushes aside numerous women…” (What? Where? Like, in line at the deli?)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Just hammering together a bunch of funny sounding words does not make a fucking novel. We started one place (antiques) and ended up with a dead person named after a baby carriage. And what about the “fair ladies?”  I’m not reading this book to find out.  I officially do. not. care!

I want to put this title on a cartridge (book on tape for those playing along at home), inventory it, shelve it, go into the stacks, pull the copy, light it on fire, and burn it! Then I want to let it cool and run it over with five cars.

Jonathan Gash, how dare you sir?



Wait, what? Is that fucking Ian McShane?

You time traveling cocksuckers have a lot to answer for I’ll tell you that much.

Oh my God. I am now shook to the core. So this Lovejoy character was adapted for a TV show that ran from 1986-1994 and my man, IAN MC-fucking-SHANE was the star? Jesus, how could you do this to Al Swearingen?

I sit here stunned. Never before in the history of Who’s Reading This have I been subjected to, not only such a gross assault on my eyes and brain as an idiotic NLS annotation, but to have it compounded by the sacrilige that has somehow time traveled to violate me? I mean, this awful annotation has come forward from 1992 to ruin my day in 2017 and then double back in time 30 years to besmirch the holy name of Ian McShane, arguable, the baddest motherfucker to ever come out of Ireland?

No. I quit. See you in another three years.



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