Good Lord; What the Hell?
A quick post in a new category I’m going to call, Good Lord; What the Hell? Mainly because when I read the annotation, I said, out loud, “good lord–what the hell?” From the NLS Annotation:
When Amy brings her ventriloquist dummy out to entertain her family on Sharing Night, its head falls off. Amy’s father finds another dummy in a pawn shop. But Amy soon realizes why the new dummy is called Slappy when it hits her father! As Slappy gets meaner and meaner, Amy’s family refuses to believe she is not responsible. For grades 4-7.
Some things are just not okay to write novels about. R.L. Stine’s Night of the Living Dummy II probably illustrates this rule completely. I have not read the book, having given up R.L. Stine books about 23 years ago.
For some reason (probably mild hysteria) I’m reading the exclamation point at the end of “…when it hits her father!” as comedic, as in LOL! that dummy just came to life! But that is just not possible as ventriloquist dummies are anything BUT funny, and are, in fact, the most terrifying subject that anyone could possibly come up with. Except maybe skittering babies. Okay, skittering babies are actually my number one fear in terms of the statistic possiblility of occurance. If a ventriloquist dummy tried to attack me I would do one of the following (preferably all):
- throw it into a fire
- kick it in the head and/or
- stomp on it
- separate its head from body, and then its limbs from said body, thus rendering it physically neutral
- dispose of it by sealing it in concrete
Now, let’s say that a skittering baby (SB) is coming right for you. First of all, it’s likely that you won’t even realize it because babies are very short and therefore very sneaky. Also, the lighting will probably be very dim or low because SBs tend to move faster in the dark. I think that when put in direct light, an SB will make a brief attempt at looking and acting “normal” in an attempt to lull you into a false sense of confidence. However, turning the lights on bright will only get you so far because as soon as you change your focus, an SB will attack. It’s proven. Any way. What can you do to survive a skittering baby attack? YOU CAN DO NOTHING!! Because they’re BABIES for goodness sake! What the hell! You can’t kick them, throw them into a fire, shoot them, stab them. You’re basically f*cked. The SB is going to bite the crap out of your feet, ankles, and calves and all you can do is just hop from foot to foot and try to stay upright. And, God help you if they are hunting in a pack. Wild Kingdom anyone?
Back to R.L. Stine’s masterpiece. According to Slappy the Dummy’s Wikipedia article, this evil doll makes appearances in NINE books for kids. You know, in my day, we didn’t need to go to the well 9 times before we knew that shit was poison. We watched the Twilight Zone’s season 5, episode 29 Caeser and Me ONCE and that was enough. Nine books of Slappy getting meaner and meaner? Good lord, what the hell?